IF they were any of those things, they’ve already wondered if the rape was their “own fault” because of those factors. In an effort to try to better understand what happened, you may be tempted to ask questions like, “Were you drunk?” or “Were you alone?” Please don’t ask those questions. Let me put it this way… Imagine for a moment you see a distraught, drunk woman standing in middle of the road naked shouting, “Rape me!” Is it right to go ahead and rape the woman? Regardless of what happened to put her in this situation, are the actions of the assailant acceptable if a man goes ahead and rapes that woman? If you answered no, how on Earth could it have been your friend or loved one’s fault? Even if they logically know they didn’t deserve the way they were treated, they will ask themselves what they could have done to prevent the assault. You shouldn’t have had to go through that. But with that disclosure said….here are a couple specific ideas for what you can say. It also may make a difference if they’re telling you they were raped yesterday versus they were molested 25 years ago. If the survivor is your best friend you might respond differently than if it’s your adult daughter. And every relationship with two people is different, so some of this absolutely is in context of your relationship with the other person. Only problem is that every single survivor ( read here why I prefer survivor over victim) is different. This is the section you’ve been waiting for, right? But, I still haven’t told you exactly what to say. Ok, so I’ve given you permission to have had an imperfect first response and to bring the topic up again. What specifically do I say to a victim of sexual violence? You may never be truly comfortable talking about things like molestation, rape or sexual assault but at least you’ll be less likely to completely freeze. Overall just get more comfortable with the topic of sexual violence. Take a look at that blog post, do a little research. In the past, I’ve talked about specific actions you can take to support a friend or family member who was sexually assaulted. They have a warning this topic is coming up and they can say, “No, I’m not ready.” It also gives them a heads up that this conversation will be different. Why? This statement gives the power back to your friend or loved one. I recommend you use a phrase somewhat along these lines. “I have been feeling bad about how I responded to what you told me the other day. You are right to be doing research, and it’s ok to bring the subject up again. You CAN go back and have a more comforting discussion later. If you regret how you initially responded to your friend or loved one’s disclosure, it’s ok. Do I bring up their disclosure again? If so…how? ![]() I’ve even heard clients talk about loved ones hanging up a phone, walking out of the building or crying themselves. It’s also possible that truly the only emotion you experienced was pure shock. Or it’s possible your first reaction was fear about how it would impact your relationship with this person. Maybe your initial reaction was anger toward the perpetrator. Reality? People are often surprised and have no idea how to respond. In a perfect world, you’d have been prepared for that conversation and known the “right” thing to say. When I’m talking to a survivor of sexual assault, childhood molestation or rape in a counseling session and they say they’re ready to tell a new boyfriend, their parents or a friend, this is one of the things we discuss. ![]() The only problem is, you still don’t know what to say…įirst of all, let me know say that I’m writing this blog post, because your feeling lost and speechless is a NORMAL response. You want to get the conversation “right” and make sure the other person knows they are loved, accepted and supported. Now you’re trying to regroup and figure out what you can say to the next time this topic comes up (or even planning to bring it up yourself). Maybe your initial reaction was one of shock. Your friend, or maybe your significant other, has just disclosed to you that they were sexually assaulted, molested as a child or raped in college.
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